5 months and 10 days ago – at the end of my 1st trimester – I wrote my first letter to the baby in my belly. I didn’t know then how much she would impact my life. In fact, I didn’t even know she was a she at all. She didn’t have a sex or have a name. The only definite thing was that I loved her from the start. Since then, I have been through quite the journey. And that journey is almost over. I’ve found lately that I have more to say before she gets here. There are more things that I want her to know. This is a letter in the 3rd trimester about choices, gifts, and truths. To the little girl holding a place in my belly and my heart – this is for you.
My sunflower, Ariella,
Pregnancy is such a strange journey. Cravings, emotions, choices. I’ve made a lot of choices in my life – some were for the better, some for the worse. Nevertheless, I made choices. But at the start of my pregnancy, I made the most definitive choice I have made in my whole entire life; the choice to keep you. I remember the night I called your Nana and told her I was pregnant; 4 weeks along and absolutely terrified. I remember feeling terrified to tell her. I didn’t know how she’d react, what she’d say, if she’d be mad. Mostly, I felt scared to admit out loud to another person that I was carrying your teeny tiny body in my belly. And I was scared I couldn’t be enough for you.
The truth is, that still scares 6 months later. Although you’re not so tiny anymore. Sometime in the next 7 weeks, you’ll be coming into the world, and I am truly afraid to fail you. A lot of people don’t know this about me, but when my dad died, my life went into a crazy downhill spiral. I’ve done a lot of things over the past few years that I am not proud of. But each of those things taught me a lesson. I have spent so much time in my downwards spiral that I forgot what it was like to be in a better part of life.
Every single day from the day I saw the positive on my pregnancy test, I have made efforts to become better. For me. And for you. During a time in my life where I called out to God for help; looking for the answers to all the questions I had and needing someone to be there for me. The thing is, his answer to all of my questions was to give me you. I didn’t understand that 7 months ago – but I do now. A gift such as you could only come from God, and I am reminded of that every time I feel you move in my belly.
You are the sweetest little part of destiny.
This is my letter to you, not that you can read it now. But one day, I want you to be able to know just how much you mean to me. I wonder if you’ll ever understand just how much of me belongs to you. This hasn’t been the easiest pregnancy. But everyday you show me what it’s like to care about something so deeply. You show me what it’s like to keep moving forward. And of all the gifts in life that I’ve been given – the greatest by far is you.
I hope that you are full of kindness.
Full of creativity and of dreams. I hope that you smile at everyone you meet – even on the bad days. I hope you help others and stay humble. And I hope you pray. In the most simplest of ways, I hope you never lose that little light of childlike wonder.
In life, there are so many things to be grateful for that I am often not even aware of. But not a day has gone by that I am not truly grateful for you, my little sunflower, and never will there be a day where I am not. I might have made you, but you have made me a mother.
I love you with my heart and soul.